Commitments to Yourself

This isn't intentionally a New Year's Eve post, but the timing is quite appropriate, given the number of resolutions that may be made within the next 24 hours.

As a coach, I need to have a good answer to the question, "Why would I need a coach to achieve my goals?" And, honestly, sometimes I wonder that myself.

The truth is that while some people are good at setting goals and going after them until they're accomplished, the vast majority of us are rather unsuccessful at fulfilling commitments we make to ourselves. It's not because we're slackers, necessarily, but we let other things get in the way.

Sometimes we put commitments to ourselves at a lower priority than commitments to others, such as responsibilities to family, friends, and career. After all, when we're accountable to another person, the results we achieve create consequences within our relationship with that person. We don't notice the consequences within the relationship with ourselves when we miss a commitment to ourselves (which doesn't mean there isn't one!).

Sometimes it's an internal saboteur, such as our fears about failure, about success, or about change. We have a goal, but we procrastinate because it's easier than facing the fear.

As a coaching client, sometimes I think, "I should be able to achieve these goals without my coach's help; why don't I just sit myself down and do the things I want to do?" But without exception, I get more of my goals done with a coach than without one.

Not because the coach does the task for me or with me, but in part because I declare my goal to another person who will hold me accountable for the commitments I make to myself. And in part because I am more conscious of my process, my habits, and my stumbling blocks, such that I approach the setting and working of my goals with more self-awareness. It seems so simple, yet it is so powerful.

As you set your new year's resolutions, if there is one or more that you are serious about achieving, you might consider getting the help of a coach.

Are you 100% sure that your goals are doable?

Often when I have felt the heaviness of failure it's been because the goal or expectation I had set was a stretch from the moment I set it. There are many examples of this in my life. I would commit to being somewhere at a certain time, knowing that I would need clear roadways and all green lights to get there on time from my prior commitment. Often, I was late. Or I would commit to doing something for someone, knowing that I would be stressed to do it well in addition to my other commitments. Often, I would short-change the assignment, or finish it later than agreed.

Every time I failed to meet a commitment I'd made, I felt really bad - disappointed in myself and wanting to crawl under a rock somewhere. You'd think it would be easy enough to change the behavior, but like all well-entrenched habits, it took years of awareness and effort to make the significant shift. I wouldn't dare to say that I am perfect at it, but these days I do things better, consistently.

Now, before I set a goal for myself or make a commitment to someone, I ask myself whether I'm 100% sure that the goal is doable. That means considering the task itself, as well as everything else I have going on around it. If I'm not 100% sure that it's doable, I modify the goal or commitment to something that I *am* 100% sure is doable.

That doesn't mean that I don't ever have to reset expectations with someone I've made commitment to. Things happen. People understand that. But setting doable goals means a lot less resetting of expectations.

There is risk in saying "No, I can't do that task in that timeframe, but I can do..." The other person might be disappointed. They might decide I'm incompetent, or less competent than someone else. I might not get to do the task, and maybe it's something I really want to do. I'm sure there are other bad things that could happen, too. That's why it's easy at the commitment point to over-promise; all of these bad things are avoided and the other person goes away happy.

But then when my razor-thin margin of error turns out to be too thin and I fail, well then I surely have disappointed the other person, as well as myself. And now they're even more likely to decide that I am less competent than someone else. And maybe they're now wishing they'd asked someone else. So, while they might have felt good when I said "yes," in the end, it was worse that I failed than if I had set reasonable expectations to begin with.

I have learned that it's wayyy better to make sure that a goal or commitment is doable before I agree to it. If the other person doesn't like my counteroffer and decides to take their request elsewhere, so be it. I have saved myself not only the stress a stretch goal creates, but also the probability of disappointing someone else and, more importantly, myself.

Next time you set a goal or make a commitment, ask yourself, "Am I 100% sure that this is doable as stated?" And wait for an honest answer before proceeding.

Back to Blogging

My last post was in the middle of summer, and here it is almost winter. Since then I've done some coaching and a lot of introspection. Before it becomes en vogue to make resolutions, I'm making one to keep my blogs more current... Stay tuned to see how well I do with that!