It's Not About Only You

It's January 8, 2009. That means that some of us are eight days into our New Me projects. If you are one of those people, you may be remembering 'bout now that although family, friends, and coaches may offer valuable assistance, only you can change your life for the better.

As true as that may be, today I offer you this: while it's up to only you, it's not about only you. In other words, for the best chance of making lasting change in your life, consider the impacts both on and of the people around you.

First, the impact on others... Realize that every shift you make has an effect on the people around you. For example, when you change your address or phone number, you require all of your correspondents to update their address books. Changes in behavior likewise affect others. You stop complaining; others who shared in your misery have to find new company. You start exercising; family members must adjust to your new routine. You take action to improve your relationship with someone; that person must respond in some way.

There's also something a bit more subtle at play... People in your life believe that they know who you are. And, the longer they have known you, the stronger that belief is. So, now you decide to change something about yourself and you start acting differently. This throws those people off course; they not only have to adjust their behaviors, but they also have to change their beliefs.

For example, perhaps you are known as someone who is always late to meetings, and you make changes so that you start arriving on time. For the first several of your on-time arrivals, you may endure teasing or snide comments, gestures, or facial expressions from the others in the meeting. Whatever their responses, the underlying message is, "your behavior doesn't match our expectations." Consider this: people don't generally embrace change, and they don't like to be wrong. Whoops, you've just asked for both--you want them to change their expectations and behaviors, and to accept that their beliefs about you are wrong.

That brings us to the impact of other people. Asked to change their behaviors and beliefs, the people around you may actively resist your attempts to improve, sabotaging your best efforts. But, it's not malicious. Reduce the impact on others by ensuring that you make your change in a way that works well for everyone involved. And, understand that you may have to exhibit your new behaviors consistently and long enough not only to form your own habit but also to convince others that the new you is here to stay. They will gradually adjust both their beliefs about you and their corresponding behaviors, and all will settle into a new status quo.

For the best chance of success in making a lasting change, actively engage the people who will be affected. Tell them ahead of time what you are planning to do differently and ask for their help. Then, stay in touch with them through the change process.

Yes, only you can change your life for the better. Just remember that it's not about only you.